From: The Onion
GOLETA, CA—In an effort to minimize the impact of the
disaster occurring along the California coastline, Plains All American
Pipeline officials rushed this week to contain the oil spill to a small
section of the media. “Crews are working around the clock to prevent
information about the incident from spreading beyond the inside pages of
newspapers and the final minutes of news programs,” said CEO Greg
Armstrong, adding that the company deeply regretted that the crude spill
had seeped into the news cycle and that it was devoting all its
resources to stopping the slick from expanding into lead stories. “Our
top priority is to do everything in our power to make sure this oil
spill is restricted to a 30-second segment or 150-word article at most.
Once it’s contained, we have specialized teams that can quickly and
safely remove it from the news and limit any damage it could cause.” At
press time, the company was scrambling to shut down the flow of
oil-soaked pelican photos that was entering the mainstream media.
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